7 Hours of Joy
by Cold Flame96
Summary: ON HIATUS After quitting the military, Mustang calls the Elrics to his office one last time. Finally fed up with Ed's crappy attitude, he forces him to go to highschool and interact with kids his age so he can earn some humility. Naturally, Al gets pulled in the middle. They can handle homunculi, but can they handle an entire school full of hormonally-crazed teenagers?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

* * *

_Author's Note~ I know what you're thinking...a highschool fic? How cliche. I can assure this is like no other high school fic you've ever read, for the sheer insanity of it. I had a hell of a time writing it though. XD_

_Note: Nothing in this fic should be taken seriously. This fic doesn't even take _itself _seriously. _

_Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine._

* * *

Al listened as his brother constantly muttered to himself.

"I hate this place," Ed said begrudgingly.

"Relax, Brother. It could be fun," he tried to reassure his older brother.

"Fun? Yeah, right," He chuckled darkly. "Holy shit, it feels like we've been here forever now." Al rolled his eyes at his brother's exaggeration. "How long has it been?"

"5 minutes," he sighed.

"Damn!" Ed whined. "I hate my life," he grumbled, "And Mustang." He didn't feel to add.

(Note: This flashback is a complete exaggeration in Ed's mind of what actually happened.)

_Ed stomped in Mustang's office in his usual cheery manner. _

"_Hello, Fullmetal Pipsqueak," Mustang said snidely. Ed, of course, took the height reference very maturely because he was an understanding person. After his little flurry of intelligent well-thought out insults was over, Mustang glared at him. _

"_You can't talk to me like that. I'm promoted, which makes me better than you. Heh heh heh." Mustang boasted. _

"_Oh, how nice for you," Ed rolled his eyes. _

"_Say, Fullmetal, I've got a proposition for you." Mustang put his legs on his desk. _

"_What is it? I'd love to hear it," Ed said positively._

"_Well, because I'm a total jerk-ass prick, I'm going to torture you some more by making you go to school," Mustang stated. Ed took this new mission with a smile on his face just like he always did. _

"_School? What for?" he widened his golden eyes innocently. _

"_Because you need your education and to interact with kids your age blah blah blah I could care less about the words I'm saying but I need something to shove up your ass so I'm gonna keep boring you to death with this meaningless lecture," Mustang said in a bored tone._

"_Oh, I completely understand, but I don't think I need school," Ed said politely._

"_Oh, there's another catch. Like I said, I'm a total jerk-ass prick, so since you went overboard with the research funds last year, if you don't go to school, I'll force you to do strenuous labor for me for a month. It's your choice. Look at me. Aren't I cool? I spend my free time picking on innocent children," he chuckled arrogantly. _

"_I guess I don't have a choice, do I?" Ed sighed. _

"_Ha ha ha! Of course not! It'd be no fun if you did!" Mustang said cheerily. _

"_Are you going to make Al do it too?" Ed asked, concerned. _

"_Nah, he's not as fun to be a jack-ass to," Mustang dismissed. _

"_Colonel Mustang, I won't go anywhere without my brother. He's the voice of reason between us so without him, I'm lost!" Al said distraught. _

"_It's okay, Al," Ed said noblely, "I'll face the burden alone."_

"_No! I insist, Brother!" Al said forcefully. _

"_Alright, it's your choice, Al."_

_(_end of flashback.)

Al sweat-dropped at his brother's recap. "Um, Brother, I don't think that's how it happened."

"What?" Ed broke his fantasy, "Did you say something, Al?"

"Nothing!" Al said hastily. Should he tell him what actually happened? Eh, he seemed in a better mood, so why ruin it?

"Excuse me! What do you two think you're doing without school uniforms?" The brothers turned to meet the voice, Al looking guilty, and Ed just annoyed. A professional looking older lady came storming up to them, her carefully pinned hair coming loose.

"Who the hell are you?" Ed asked rudely.

"Brother," Al chastised. The woman gave his brother a cold stare.

" 'Who the hell'? That sort of language is not allowed in this building, young man," she said sternly. Ed gave her a blank look, but Al put his hand over his brother's mouth. He didn't want to get in trouble on the first day.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. It's been a long week, and he hasn't had a lot of sleep so he's cranky. He's not usually this disrespectful. It won't happen again," Al lied nervously. She cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, it's good to know that one of you has manners," she said haughtily, but then her head snapped. "Did you say brothers?"

"Yes ma'am," Alphonse said uncertainly.

"Oh, are your names Edward and Alphonse Curtis?" she asked in awe.

"Yes," Al said proudly.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry! I didn't realize who you were! I yelled at you for not having uniforms but you don't have them! I need you two to come with me," she said, regaining her professional manner. Al took his hand off his brother's face hesitantly, afraid of another outburst from the brash teenager.

"Behave," Al whispered to his brother. Ed said nothing but waved his hand dismissively. Al would take that as a good sign. The lady led them to a decent-sized office.

"Your uniforms are here. They've already been taken care of," she gestured to two cloth bags. Al saw his brother eye the bag skeptically. He rolled his eyes, and threw his brothers bag to him. Al nearly had a heart attack when he saw the price of the uniforms. 35,000 cens for some clothing? Who could afford that?

"Excuse me," he called politely to the stiff lady. She looked at him and let him know she was listening. He continued, "You mentioned that these uniforms were already taken care of."

"That's correct," she affirmed.

"May I ask whom it is that's paid for it?" he asked almost nervously. She brightened up,

"Well of course, young man! Your adoptive father has paid for all the expenses," she said happily. Al exchanged a questioning look with his brother.

"Adoptive father?" he asked quizzically.

"Yes, Mr. Roy Mustang," she said slowly. Ed snapped his head up. Al started to hustle out of the office and out of earshot of the stern lady as he noticed his brother's face turning red from suppressed rage.

As soon as they got outside, a bomb went off. Literally. Al stood patiently as his brother raved for 5 minutes straight.

"That lecherous, sadistic bastard is going to pay for this!" Ed finished off his rant.

"I don't see why you're so angry. You should be grateful that he's paying for us, Brother," Al reasoned. Ed groaned.

"Don't you get it? The fact that he was able to pay this off so easily means he could've just paid for the research grant in the first place! But no, the dirty, womanizing pyromaniac decides to torture us instead! Sadistic asshole!" Ed fumed. Al sighed. What did the Colonel being a womanizer have to do with it? He sometimes didn't understand his brother when he was in one of his moods and there was no getting through to him at this point either.

"Excuse me!" The stiff lady came running to them from down the hall. Al tried not to snicker at how silly the poor lady looked when she ran in heels. He was afraid that she was gonna trip and fall her face. If that happened, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to control himself…or his brother. She panted when she finally reached them.

"I forgot to mention that I'm supposed to escort you both to your classes. Unfortunately, since class has already started, I won't be able to give you a tour of the building," she stated.

"Uhh, that's okay," Al said sheepishly, "We have a map, and if we need any help, we could just ask one of our classmates to help us, right Brother?" He elbowed his brother knowingly.

"Yeah," Ed mumbled.

"Oh, good. Well, go get in your uniforms and I will escort you to your proper classrooms," she said awkwardly.

* * *

"No fucking way," Ed muttered.

"C'mon, Brother. It's not that bad," Al said optimisticly. Ed rolled his eyes at his overly-positive brother.

"They may be your thing, Al, but there's no way in hell I'm doing it," he said defiantly.

"Ugh, why don't you stop being stubborn for once, Brother?" Al groaned.

"Because it's too damn hot!" he snapped.

"This coming from the guy who waltzed around in the middle of the desert wearing a heavy red jacket?" Al asked dryly.

"I was a child then!" Ed dismissed.

"Right," Al said sarcastically, "Because you've changed so much. You're so much more mature now. That would explain why you're moaning and swearing over an article of clothing." Ed shot his brother a hard glare.

"It's just not my style, okay?" he pouted.

"Brother, just put it on," Al ordered.

"No," Ed huffed.

"Put it on," Al ordered more sternly this time, glaring at his brother.

"I'm not gonna put it on if I don't wanna," Ed snapped.

"Dammit, Ed! Just put on the stupid sweatervest!" Al yelled. His brother stared at him coolly, holding the sweatervest up by the tip of his fingers. He smirked and Al narrowed his eyes.

"Brother," he said cautiously, "Don't you dare." Ed grinned deviously.

"What do you mean, Al?" he asked innocently. Al gave his brother his scariest glare so he would back down but to no avail. Ed very quickly let go of the vest and it dropped onto the dirty bathroom floor.

"Oops," Ed shrugged. "It's dirty so I guess I can't wear it now. Too bad." Al twitched with annoyance. He was extremely attempted to take and the sweater and force it over his brother's fat head. Maybe smelling like piss would teach him a lesson. Oh how he wished Winry was here so she could beat some sense into him. But of course, his brother was in one of those moods where he purposely acts like an ass to piss people off, so there was really no point in stooping down to his level.

"Fine. I guess the sweatervest doesn't matter that much, but you atleast have to wear the tie," Al sighed. Ed groaned loudly.

"Please, Brother? For me?" he pouted expectantly, giving his older brother his most adorable look. Ed rolled his eyes.

"Fine, Al, but only for you," he relented, ruffling his brother's hair affectionately. Once Ed had finished putting on the white button-down, he grabbed the red tie. He threw it over his neck and started twisting it. He didn't get the results he wanted. He stared at the tie quizzically. What had he done wrong? If he hadn't been so focused on the piece of cloth, he would've heard his younger brother snickering at him from behind.

"Uhh, Brother?" Al asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Yeah?" Ed responded distantly.

"Do you need help?" Ed blushed slightly in embarrassment.

"Yeah," he said defeated. He watched with fascination as his brother looped the smaller end through the bigger end. Who knew ties were so damn complicated? After his tie was all situated, he grabbed the navy blazer, and was surprised at how light it was. After straightening his coat, he gazed at his reflection in the mirror. He tightened his ponytail, which had come loose from putting the uniform on. He snuck a peek at his brother who had his tie tucked under his pale yellow sweatervest and his button-down was buttoned up all the way. He then turned to look back at his own appearance, his top three buttons undone at his shirt, and his tie hanging loosely at his neck with nothing to bind it down.

"Brother, you ready?" Al asked.

"Sure, can't wait," he replied darkly. Al gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Let's go then," Al said, walking out of the door, his street clothes in the same cloth bag that his uniform came in. Ed gathered up all his clothes in his bag and followed his brother, unable to share his optimism. Looked like he was a schoolboy now, whether he liked it or not. He was officially on the level of every single other dumb-ass teenager.

Yippee.

* * *

_A.N. ~ So what'd you think? Did you shake your head at the stupidity? Laugh your ass off? Both? I wanna know! _


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

* * *

_Author's Note~ I gave Al some love in this. No one ever does, which I don't understand. Al is so adorable and hilarious. :) There's even a reference to that in this. This chapter is something I came up with randomly late last night. The algebra problem I got from Chacha. Even worked all the answers myself. The chemistry lab is something I actually experimented in my sophomore year. _

_Note: If you take anything in this fic seriously, then you're a sucker. :P_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. I'm merely just playing with her characters._

* * *

"Alright boys, we're here. Edward, this is the junior class, which is the class you'll be attending," the stern lady reported. Ed scowled.

"Yeah, I kind of figured that out, dumbass," he muttered, earning himself a warning glare from Al. The stern lady didn't seem to hear it, but she frowned at his sour mood. She opened the door to room 315. The teacher, a middle-aged female with brown hair and glasses, was in the middle of lecturing the students about a math problem of some sort when the lady whose name he couldn't remember cleared her throat. The woman stopped.

"Oh, Ms. Porter!" she exclaimed, "What can I do for you?" Suddenly all eyes were on him and the lady whose name was apparently Ms. Porter. He saw a few girls staring at him from the corner of his eye and let a feeling of dread sink into his stomach when they looked away and giggled.

"I blame you," he whispered to his brother. Al twitched slightly.

"Why do you blame me?" he asked, slightly annoyed.

"Because the bastard's not here," he said. He saw Al roll his eyes.

"Ms. Briggs, you have a new student in this class," Ms. Porter said cheerfully. She quickly grabbed his shoulders, pushing forward. He growled and shrugged her off. She let go, giving him a wary glance, and covered it up quickly. He gave his brother a longing glance.

"I'll come back for you, baby brother," he said dramatically, his eyes watering up with false tears.

"That's okay," Al said coolly, "You really don't have to." Ed could've sworn his heart just shattered and he sulked inwardly. When had his brother turned so cold? Was he still mad about the sweatervest? Ms. Porter turned to the class and smiled stiffly.

"This is Edward Curtis. Please make him feel welcome." Ed raised his head slowly, still depressed over his brother's rejection. This must be his payback for all the times he was mean to Al when they were kids. Karma's a bitch.

Ms. Porter gave him a half-hearted thumbs-up and slid out the door. The young teacher known as Ms. Briggs perked up. Ms. Briggs, huh? That's ironic. He wondered how that scary general up north would react to this. Ms. Briggs cleared her throat.

"So…um…Edward, was it?" she asked awkwardly.

"Yeah," he said bored. Hmm, look at the pretty flourescent lights. So bright and colorful. What are they made of? Platinum, maybe? Silicon?

"That's a rather masculine name for a young lady," Ms. Briggs said, jolting him out of his chemistry thoughts and making him twitch. Did she just call him…? He gave her a furious glare.

"What do you mean by that?" he said through gritted teeth.

"Well, most girls have names like Emily or Mary," she said obliviously. He flinched and clenched his fists. She continued, "May I ask why you're wearing the guy's uniform? I'm sure you would look adorable in a skirt!" she said innocently.

"WHO THE HELL'RE YOU CALLING A TINY, PUNY GIRLY-MAN, YOU BITCH?" he exploded. She looked taken aback.

"You're a guy? Sorry, I didn't know!" she said scared. "Your hair is really long, and you're rather small so I thought-,"

"OH, SO NOW YOU'RE CALLING ME A RUNTY LITTLE PIPSQUEAK WHO'S SO TINY HE HAS TO WEAR GIRL CLOTHES BECAUSE THE GUY CLOTHES DON'T FIT HIM?" He yelled.

"No, I-I never said that!" she stuttered.

"I will destroy you all," he growled darkly. She sweat-dropped. He narrowed his eyes and looked around the classroom, all the students looking shell-shocked at his outburst. That's right, be afraid. Ignorant dumb-asses. A few girls were giggling, whispering something about a 'bad boy', and looking at him, and some guys were whispering amongst themselves nervously.

"So…uh…Edward," the teacher started, cowering under his cold glare, "Would you like to tell us about yourself?"

"No," he deadpanned.

"Oh, well all right! There's an empty desk over there behind Julie. Julie, would you raise your hand?"

"Don't bother. I can find it. I'm not a dumbass," he said bitingly.

"Right! So, class, let's get back to the problem we had before," she said, as Ed started to walk to his seat. He paused when he heard 'problem.' They were doing math. Coincidentally, that was one of his best subjects. He stared at the problem on the board.

68x+78y+876=(-89)x+47y-7. Solve for x and y. He already knew the answer before the teacher started to work it out. He scrunched his brows in confusion when she finished the product.

"And so, in conclusion, x=0.25, and y=(-29.75)," she concluded the lecture. He saw all the students diligently taking notes.

"How'd you get that?" he mumbled. She turned around.

"I beg your pardon?" she asked.

"How'd you get those answers?" he asked her, deep in thought. She raised her eyebrows.

"It's in the book," she said confused.

"I don't care what's in the damn book. How did _you _get it?" he said brusquely. She looked taken aback.

"I didn't. I got it from the book," she said, frowning.

"Well, it's wrong," he pointed.

"It can't be wrong. It's in the book," she scoffed. He whirled on her.

"I don't give a fuck. The history of milk could be in the book for all I care. It doesn't stop it from being wrong," he snapped.

"A professional mathematician wrote this book with all the answers. It's never wrong," she said haughtily.

"Whoever told you that is more of a dumbass than you are," he said bluntly, "Are you saying that because they're professional, they can't be wrong? Last time I checked, they're human just like the rest of us, and therefore make mistakes," he said in his classic 'holier-than-thou' tone.

He snatched the chalk from her hands. "Let me show you." It took him five minutes to finally finish the problem. He turned around and faced her. "See? Look, right here," he said, underlining the 31. "He divided it wrong. It's supposed to be y=(-5.06)x-28.48 and he put –5.08. Those two decimal points threw the whole thing off. What you should've ended up with is x=(-0.86) and y=(-24.13)." He set the chalk down looking proud of himself.

The students began to murmur to each other and they were furiously scribbling on their papers to see who was right. He guessed they came up with the same answers by their whispers of awe at his genius. The teacher seethed.

"You didn't even work it out, so how would you know?" she pouted. He stared at her coolly.

"I didn't need to. It was a simple problem," he shrugged. As he made his way to his seat, he couldn't help feeling satisfied by what he assumed to be murmurs of adoration from his classmates. Maybe he could set these idiots straight.

* * *

Ms. Porter gave Alphonse the same boring introduction to his class she gave Edward. Alphonse was in the sophomore class, which was currently being taught by a beautiful young lady named Ms. Tucker. She couldn't have been older than twenty.

"So…uh…Alphonse, why don't you tell us something about yourself?" she asked shyly. He smiled sweetly.

"Of course," he said politely. He noticed her face turn crimson. Huh. Weird. Maybe she had a fever or something. He stared at his classmates and felt heat crawl up his face. Did they have to stare? This was too weird. Think. What would Brother do? …Okay bad example. What would Winry do?

"Uhh, hi," he started awkwardly, "My name's Alphonse ElrCurtis," he corrected himself. "I'm 15, and I live in a small town to the east. I have an older brother named Edward who's a bit of an idiot but is nice once when you get to know him. I like cats, apple pie, and Whoa! That's a huge textbook!" he got distracted, pointing at the book lying on his teacher's desk. He gave it an incredulous look. "Do we have to actually read this whole thing?" he asked. She blushed harder.

"No," she giggled. "We don't."

"Well, can I anyway?" he pleaded. She raised her eyebrows.

"Yes, of course, if you want!" she said happily.

"Awesome!" he said with childish enthusiasm. He picked up the book off her desk, and stroked the pages.

"Wow," he whispered, "I almost forgot what a book felt like. It feels good."

"Do you like reading?" she asked fondly.

"Oh yes! Especially science books!" he answered quickly. Her eyes shined with admiration. One of the students coughed, and a few started chuckling, and Al felt his face turn crimson when the realization hit him.

"I'm sorry! I got distracted and interrupted your class," he said guiltily, smiling sheepishly.

"It's fine! I'm glad to find someone who likes science as much as I do," she chirped.

"Right. So where should I sit?" he asked politely.

"Well, we were doing a partners lab today, so you can join whoever you want and make a group of three," she said. Al glanced around the tables and sat at the closest one, which happened to have two girls, who were now blushing furiously.

"Hi, may I sit with you?" Al asked kindly.

"Y-yes! Please do," one of them, who had brown hair, managed to stutter out.

"Thanks, so what are we working on?" he asked curiously. The one who spoke elbowed the other one. She cleared her throat,

"We just have to observe what happens when we put skittles in water," she said shyly, her face a beet red. Al raised his eyebrow. That's it?

"That's easy," he said knowingly, "The colors will run off, and the inside will slowly dissolve." They gazed at him in awe.

"How do you know?" they asked.

"I've studied a lot of science in my life," he said carefully. It technically wasn't a lie.

"Wow," the first one who he noticed had blonde hair said dreamily, "You're so smart."

"If you say so," he said modestly, a light blush forming from the compliment, "I've always thought my brother was smarter."

"Will you marry me?" the brunette blurted.

"W-what?" he stuttered, taken aback. Did he hear that right? Maybe his ears weren't working right or something. He saw the blonde whispering fiercely to the brunette. The only things he could make out were the words 'idiot' and 'scare off'. His pessimistic self kicked in and figured they were talking about him. He scared them? They thought he was an idiot? What did he do wrong? He didn't mean to! He was just being himself! He should've known a girl would never like him. He was just too awkward. Maybe Brother was right, and he was too sensitive. Maybe girls really did like tougher guys.

He also vaguely wondered if Brother was having the same problem. Probably not. Even his stupid, loudmouth brother could be good with girls when he wanted to be due to his huge ego. The only girl who'd ever shown any interest in him was that May Chang girl, and she was what? Twelve? And she only liked him because his brother upset her.

Stupid Brother. He always steals the spotlight. Why is he even jealous of him? He's stubborn, bad-tempered, and has a big head. The only reason people tolerate him is because he used to be a big-shot alchemist. He's probably showing off how smart he is in his class by giving some stupid speech that nobody cares about like he always does. He may think he's so tough but he squeals like a girl when Winry throws her wrench at him and throws temper tantrums over milk.

The two girls didn't notice the shadow of gloom that came over their new classmate. All they could think about was how very, _very _attractive he was, and how they wanted him to make their romantic fantasies a reality. _All _of their fantasies. What they also didn't notice was that every other girl in the classroom was thinking the exact same thing and that they were getting envious death glares from their classmates. But, they didn't care either. They would fight for their handsome new classmate's affection. All's fair in love, war, and high school. And this was war.

* * *

_A.N.~ Heh heh. Next chapter is where the insanity starts. Also, I gave Al low self-esteem because he was in a suit of armor for most of his adolescence so it's believable, right?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

* * *

_Author's Note~ Okay so I once again procastinated this until late last night. This is where the insanity starts. But it gets worse from here just so you know. So, a flamer told me that I might as well call my characters Mark, John, and Kevin. I'll take that advice to heart. Thanks ;) All your reviews make my day. Thanks! _

_Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. I just enjoy torturing the characters._

* * *

It was now lunchtime, thank god. Both of the Elric Brothers were starving. Al, because he needs to fatten his body, and Ed, well because Ed is just a pig.

"What is this shit?" Ed complained loudly. Al rolled his eyes,

"It's called steak, Brother," he sighed.

"I know what steak is, stupid!" he snapped, "I wanna know what it's made of!"

"Probably meat." Ed glared at him.

"When did you turn into such a smart-ass?" he grumbled.

"I didn't. I just grew up. You should try it sometime, Brother," he said dryly. Ed sulked.

"Are you still mad at me because of the sweatervest?" he pouted.. Al didn't respond and ate his food(if you could even call it that) in silence. Two girls, a brunette and a blond, walked up to their table.

"Hi, Al," The brunette said flirtatiously.

"Oh. Hi, uh…" he trailed off.

"Molly!" she piped up.

"Right, sorry," he said sheepishly. "Did you need something?"

"Actually, yes," she said, taking a seat next to him. Ed narrowed his eyes. Something wasn't right. He did not like the way those girls were looking at his younger brother. But before he could call them out on it, he heard a voice calling him. A high-pitched, annoying voice that grated his ears. Geez, was this how normal girls sounded? A girl with red hair glomped him, almost knocking him over.

"What the hell?" he screamed as he fell to the ground, the stranger falling on top of him. The girl looked down at him.

"Hi, Edward!" she said brightly, hovering over him. Ed flushed bright red when he realized that she was indeed female, and he had to turn his head to the side so that her uh…well y'know…wasn't right in his face.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked in horror. She made no moves to budge. In fact, much to his dismay, she seemed rather comfortable hovering over him like that.

"Julie! I'm in your math class!" she giggled, and he thought his ears were starting to bleed. He didn't even think it was possible to have a voice that annoying. Even that bratty bean-sprout girl would be a blessing compared to this.

"That's great," he said through gritted teeth.

"You're really hot! Can I play with your hair?" she asked seductively. He glared daggers at the girl, still trying to cover the blush.

"No," he barked, "Now get off of me!" She pouted, trying to look cute. He swore that if she didn't get off him, he would punch her. And then, he would rip out her vocal chords.

"Aww, what's the matter, Eddy?" she teased, making his temple throb. "Are you embarrassed?" She pinched his cheeks. That was the last straw. He stiffly grabbed her shoulders and shoved her off roughly. She fell on the floor with a high-pitched grunt, and pouted at him. She got a sly grin, "Oh, I see. You're just playing hard to get."

"When I'm done with you, the only thing that's gonna be hard to get is your head rolling on the ground," he said acidicly. She gasped,

"You really are a bad boy!" she chuckled, doing a swiping motion with her hand, "Mrrow," she fake-hissed. Ed tried to ignore her as much as possible. He drew his attention back to his brother and noticed the girls were gone.

"Hey, Al, what did those stupid girls want?" Ed asked rudely.

"Brother, don't be rude. They just invited me to a party," Al reassured.

"I don't like this, Al. These girls give me the creeps," he muttered darkly. Al rolled his eyes at his brother's paranoia. Julie, one of the said girls, came up to their table again. Ed scowled severely.

"Hi, I'm Julie! You must be Eddy's brother!" she chirped. Al looked startled for a second but then brought his hand out.

"Yeah, I'm Alphonse. Nice to meet you," he said cheerfully.

"Al, don't talk to her!" Ed snapped. "She might try to seduce you."

"What do you mean?" Al asked confused.

"Well, I don't know. She tried to rape me a few seconds ago," he said disdainfully. Julie didn't seem bothered by this accusation. Instead, she slid over to Ed, her face mere inches from his.

"Would you like me to do it again?" she whispered lustfully.

"Hell no!" Ed yelled, "Fuck off!"

"Brother!"

"As you wish," she shrugged, "But I'll be back later, Eddy-kins."

"Never call me that again!" Ed threatened. She glanced at him and smiled.

"Sure thing!" she said brightly, then added, "Eddy-kins." Ed finally stood up and went to go beat the shit out of this girl.

"No, Brother!" Al dissuaded, grabbing his arms.

"I'm gonna kill her," Ed hissed.

"Brother, don't! That won't help anything! If you get in trouble for fighting, we'll have to stay here twice as long!"

"Dammit!" he swore, "I guess I need to kill the bastard first." And once he did, he'd be free to beat the shit out of that stupid-ass girl.

* * *

"Hey, Al!" Al turned around to face-to-face with the brunette girl again.

"Oh, hello, Molly. Did you need something?" he asked politely. She didn't say anything, but she nodded at the blond girl whose name was Emily. She started patting his arms, face, and legs. His face turned bright red when Emily accidentally brushed up against something more private.

"W-What are you doing?" he asked flustered.

"Relax," Molly said sweetly. "We just want to make sure you're fit enough for the party tonight. The forecast is calling for several inches after all." She smirked. Emily gave her a thumbs-up. Al was slightly on edge now. He felt officially violated.

"I hope you know that you'll be the only boy at the party if you show up," Molly said nonchalantly.

"What? You didn't mention that earlier," Al said in surprise, the blush starting to recede.

"Guess I forgot," she shrugged, "But you know now."

"Couldn't you invite other guys?" he asked cautiously.

"No way! Where's the fun in that?" she said in outrage, "Parties are always the best with about 5 girls and one guy!"

"But why just one?" he asked. She smiled maliciously.

"Let's just say…that the games we play only work with one guy present," she said cryptically. Al wrinkled his brow in confusion. What did that even mean?

"What kind of games do you play?" he asked in fear.

"It's a secret," she said, giving him a flirtatious wink. Al gulped. Something wasn't right. He had a feeling that if he went to this party tonight, he would never be the same again.

"Relax," He jumped when Molly put her hands on his shoulders and slid them down his chest. "It'll be fun," she whispered, spreading herself on his lap, her hands traveling to the forbidden area. "You're the biggest guy we've gotten so far," she said satisfactorily. When she removed herself from her lap, Al didn't have to look in a mirror to know he was tomato-red. He knew then and there that going to this party would scar him for life. That is, if he wasn't already. These girls were a little too touchy for his comfort.

* * *

Ed decided that gym was his favorite class now. He felt all his anger and frustrations go away when he punched the giant, heavy bag in front of him with all his strength. This was also a good way to strengthen up his atrophied right arm. A smirk of sadistic glee crawled up his face when the bag went flying out about 3 feet.

"Wow, Curtis. You're pretty strong," some kid named Kevin said. "Do you work out or something?"

"Something like that," Ed shrugged. Little did the rest of the students know that the main reason he was able to punch the bag so far was because he imagined a certain bastard general's face on it. Ed felt all the admiring eyes of his fellow classmates as he continued to beat the shit out of the bag.

He stopped when he heard a high-pitched squeal. Was that a fire alarm or something? No, maybe the coach was scratching his nails on a chalkboard. His answer came when he saw a flash of red and fell to the floor, a weight on his chest. He looked up at his attacker and felt like going into a corner to sob. Why did people insist on torturing him?

"Oh, Eddy-kins! You're so cuuuute!" Julie squealed. His eye twitched.

"Dammit, woman! Get off me!" he screamed, red-faced. She hugged him tighter, her chest suffocating him.

"Why would I do that? You're so cute! Like a teddy bear!" she gushed. Yeah, a teddy bear that's going to kill you in your sleep, he thought darkly. He tried to push him before two more girls piled on top. He gasped for breath.

"Hey, Julie! Don't hog him to yourself!" he heard one girl say angrily. Oh God. There was more of them? He'll be lucky if he survives til the end of the day.

"I call his shirt!" another one chirped.

"Well, I call his pants!" the first one argued.

"Well, I get what's in the pants!" Julie yelled.

"AHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAKS!" He yelled, trying to scramble away. They pinned his legs so he couldn't move. He saw Kevin and a few other guys looking at him with bewilderment and slight jealousy.

"Help me," he cried desperately to Kevin, reaching his hand out. Kevin grabbed his hand and Ed's eyes sparkled with relief. Kevin was now his angel. But instead, Kevin shook his hand vigorously.

"Yeah, Curtis!" he chuckled, "Get some!" Then he laughed and stepped away. Edward felt the knife in his heart. His angel had betrayed him. He tried his best to shove the girls off. When he managed to pry their wandering hands off of him, he ran out of the gym as fast as he could. The only thoughts that were going through his mind were to get the hell out of there! But, where to hide? He saw an open locker and quickly jumped in, praying to whatever the hell God there was that the zombie bitches wouldn't find him.

* * *

"Brother! Hello? Ed!" Al called. It was after school and Al had been trying to find his older brother for the past 10 minutes.

"He better not have ditched me here," he muttered to himself. He called out again, "Ed!"

"Al?" he heard someone call distantly.

"Brother?" he called hopefully.

"Al, I'm over here!" Ed called again. Al thought his brother's voice sounded muffled as if he was blocked by a door or something. Al followed the direction his brother's voice came from and wound up in the hall by the gym.

"Brother?" he asked warily.

"Al, I'm in here!" Ed said, and pounded on something. Al whipped around and walked up to the locker.

"Brother, are you in the locker?" he asked in shock.

"Uh-huh," He heard Ed mutter, "It won't open from the inside, so can you let me out?" Al would've questioned why his brother was inside a locker or even teased him about the fact that he could fit inside but he didn't. He tried to open it but found a silver padlock on the handle.

"Uhh…Brother? How are you in there if it's locked?" he asked skeptically.

"What do you mean it's locked?" Ed started raising his voice, "Fuck! The janitor must've locked it!" He started pounding the door. "Get me out of here, Al!"

"I can't! I don't have the key!" Al freaked out, "Oh man, what are we gonna do? You're gonna be stuck in there all night! I'll go see if I can find the janitor!" Before he could run off and leave his brother, Ed yelled at him,

"What are you talking about, stupid? You can use alchemy!"

"Oh, right," Al chuckled sheepishly, "Forgot about that." He clapped his hands and placed them on the locker, a blue light shone, and a new door was created in the locker. His brother stumbled out, gasping for air, and fell on him.

"I couldn't breathe in there," he whispered.

"All right, Brother. Let's get up. We need to call General Mustang," Al prodded him.

"What for?" Ed hissed.

"I've been having a few problems with some girls, and I need a little advice," Al said in shame.

"You too?" Ed asked in surprise. Al nodded. Ed sighed, "I hate to admit it Al, but you're probably right. If we don't figure out what to do, we won't survive the rest of the week."

"Right, so let's go," Al said, pulling his brother's arm. Ed didn't budge.

"I don't wanna. I wanna sleep," he whined.

"Brother, the floor's dirty," Al reasoned.

"So?"

"So you need to get up," Al grunted again, trying to carry his brother off the floor.

"Carry me. I'm tired," he deadpanned. Al rolled his eyes.

"I can't carry you! You're heavy!"

"I'm only 180," he muttered.

"That's 70 pounds more than me." Ed didn't respond and continued to lay on the floor.

"I guess I'm leaving you here, then," Al threatened. No response. Al started walking away. "Last chance, Brother." Ed didn't budge.

* * *

"Thanks, Al. You're such a good brother," Ed said drowsily. Al glowered at his brother's golden head. His brother was heavy! Not to mention, it was seriously warm outside and he was wearing three layers of clothes. It took all the decency he had to not strip on the street and run around shirtless like Ed did. How does he always get stuck being his brother's crutch? He sighed in relief when he reached the phone booth.

"Brother, we're here," Al said, poking him in the stomach. He jumped, and shot Al a dark glare. He grumbled to himself about being 'constantly fingered' and 'personal space.' Al wasn't really sure he wanted to know what that meant. Looked like he wasn't the only Elric who got violated. Ed walked in the phone booth and inserted a coin. After about five minutes, he saw a vein in Ed's head twitch in annoyance. Wow, a new record. This is the longest it's ever taken him. He spoke too soon when he saw his brother slam the phone down, shattering it completely. Ed opened the door.

"Hey, Al," he said calmly, "I need you to fix the phone." Al sweat-dropped.

"What?" Al's voice went up an octave, "Brother!"

"Sorry. They pissed me off," he said weakly. Al slapped his palm to his head.

"Fine, Brother, I'll fix it. But you're not allowed anywhere near it now," Al groaned.

"When you get ahold of him, tell him I'm gonna kick his sorry ass," Ed said nonchalantly.

"Why didn't _you_ tell him that?" Al huffed.

"I never got ahold of him," Ed shrugged.

"Then, who were you talking to?" Al asked warily, massaging his temples.

"The operator," Ed growled. Al sighed for the 10th time that day at his brother's antics. How did other people deal with him? More importantly, how did they _tolerate _him? But if he was having the same problems as him, then they needed some advice from a man who was familiar with women before it got out of hand.

* * *

_A.N.~ Grr I hate the ending. I couldn't find anywhere else to end it. Ehh oh well. Next chapter features the Mustang squad! _

_Review, please! :D_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

* * *

_Author's Note~ Okay so we get Mustang's squad in this chapter. This chapter is pretty calm compared to the last one. If you haven't figured it out yet, this story is basically just pointless crack, so none of it should be taken seriously. Somebody pointed out to me that Ed was a bit too bitchy. I agree with you, he is, but considering the situation, I think it's pretty justifiable. He's a bit calmer in this chapter. Also, we get some ever so slight brotherly fluff and paternal Roy. That's always fun, right?_

_Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, but I do own a Roy Mustang plushie. :3_

* * *

Hawkeye narrowed her eyes, her guns a constant threat to the lazy staff. Someone had to make sure this paperwork got done. The phone on her superior's desk rang. Before the Colonel could make an excuse to stall his paperwork, she swiped the phone and brought it to her ear.

"Colonel Mustang's office, Lieutenant Hawkeye speaking. What do you need?" she answered brusquely. She almost had a hard time recognizing the voice on the other line at first. She was still adjusting to his human self.

"Alphonse, is that you?" she asked. She got an affirmative response. She listened to his predicament for a few more seconds, sighed, and handed the phone to her superior.

"Colonel, it's for you. It's the Elrics," she said reluctantly.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," he said, snatching the phone from her outstretched hand.

"Oh Alphonse. It's you! I thought for sure it would be the runt chewing my ear off," he said smugly. Hawkeye rolled her eyes. Knowing Edward, he was probably ranting on the other line as he always seemed to have extra acute hearing when it came to comments on his…stature. Just as the thought crossed her mind, she saw Mustang hold the phone away from his face and heard a very angry Edward cursing at the top of his lungs through the receiver. She also heard an irritated Alphonse trying to shoo his brother away and scolding him in the process. Mustang cautiously brought the phone back to his ear.

"So, what's the problem, Alphonse?" he asked, a little more serious. His eyes widened in complete shock and then he dropped the phone. Before she could chastise him, he started laughing. Cackling, really.

"!" he laughed uproariously, falling out of his chair. Hawkeye rolled her eyes. She was pretty sure that this wasn't what the boys needed.

"Sir," she sighed.

"I'm sorry. Really," although his apology wasn't very heartfelt as he was still snickering uncontrollably.

"What the hell's his problem?" Havoc cocked an eyebrow, "Did he finally lose it? It was only a matter of time."

"Alphonse needed advice on girls, and this is how he reacted," she said, glaring at the raven-haired man. Havoc dropped the cigarette, and hurriedly grabbed the phone.

"Hey, Alphonse! Hey, can you put the Chief on the phone?" he said in a friendly but somewhat frantic tone. "Just trust me," he said. By that response, Hawkeye guessed that Alphonse was probably wary. Smart kid.

"Hey, Chief!" Havoc said with a little too much excitement, "Wow, you're certainly pissy today. What the hell happened to you?" He gasped, "Are you serious? You lucky bastard!" Hawkeye was starting to think she didn't even want to know what they were talking about.

"Hey, listen to me, Chief," Havoc said in a low voice so as not to be heard, "You want a little advice? Just say yes!" he paused for a sec, "You don't need to know what they're talking about! All you need to know is to say yes! Just trust me, you'll have a much better time if you do!"

"2nd Lieutenant Havoc!" Hawkeye snapped, "What are you telling him?"

"Whoops, gotta go. Remember! Just say yes," he said quickly, a big, stupid grin plastered on his face.

"Didn't know they had it in them," he said fondly. Hawkeye groaned, putting her head in her hands. Hopefully, those boys would ignore his 'advice'. Sure, they were geniuses, but when it came to the opposite sex, they were completely dense.

* * *

Ed hung up the phone, shock and horror written on his face.

"Brother?" Al asked, slightly worried.

"Al," he said calmly, "No matter what those girls ask you, just say no."

"Why?" he asked, slightly fearful.

"Just say no!" Ed snapped.

"Was that seriously Lieutenant Havoc's advice?" Al asked, slightly disbelieving. Everyone knew that Havoc had the potential to be a womanizer…if he could actually get a date.

"Havoc told me to say yes, which is why I'm telling you the opposite," Ed said nonchalantly. Al scrunched his brow.

"But I thought we agreed to follow their advice."

"Think about it. Do you really want to take advice from the man who can't keep a girl for more than a day and who practically oozes desperation from every pore in his body?" Ed deadpanned, arching a thin golden eyebrow.

"Good point," he said defeated. Ed tapped him lightly on the head.

"Let's go," he said monotonously.

"Where are we going?" Al asked.

"The bastard's office," he said briskly, keeping a steady pace. Al had to walk a bit faster than he was used to to keep up.

"Brother," he panted, "Can you slow down?" Ed gave him a quizzical look, and grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry, Al," he said guiltily, "I forgot that you're not up to your full strength yet."

"My strength is fine," Al said stubbornly, "But you're walking really fast. Not to mention I practically had to carry you out here while wearing three layers of clothing in 80 degree weather." He glared at his brother after the last sentence. Ed's eyes darkened with remorse, and he scrutinized his younger brother for a few seconds. He stalked over to Al and threw the younger boy's arm around his strong shoulders.

"W-what are you doing?" Al stuttered in shock.

"Carrying you. What does it look like?" he grunted in response.

"You don't have to do that! I'm fine, really!" he squeaked, his voice cracking horribly. Ed tried not to snicker. Now his brother knew the pains of being a teenager. Puberty's a bitch.

"Shut up, stupid!" he growled, "You carried me here so it's only fair if I carry you to General Asswipe's office! Equivalent Exchange." Even though he was scowling, Al could see the fondness and slight amusement in his eyes. He wasn't as grumpy about it as he made himself out to be. Al smiled slightly at the Equivalent Exchange reference. Even without alchemy, his brother still lived by that phrase.

Ed grunted when he started to walk again. "Damn, Al," he complained, "How much do you eat? I think you've gained 40 pounds since last week!" Al didn't respond and Ed narrowed his eyes when he saw the younger boys sheepish smile.

"Geez, kid," Ed sighed, "You're gonna make yourself sick one of these days."

"Atleast if I do ever get sick, we'll be able to go home," Al joked lightly.

"I hope you don't expect me to take care of you," Ed teased. Al frowned.

"Nah, you don't have to if you don't want to." Ed took in a breath.

"Well, I'm going to anyway, whether you like it or not," he mumbled embarrassed.

"I'm glad," Al whispered, "I'll do the same thing for you."

"Thanks," he muttered. "Oh look, there's HQ!" he pointed out.

* * *

Stupid paperwork. Oh, how he hated paperwork. He peeked warily out of the corner of his eye at his lieutenant who was silently doing her own paperwork. Maybe he could take a break, and she wouldn't notice. Who was he kidding? Of course she'd notice! She's the Hawk's Eye. She sees everything. He slumped down in his chair, his eyes feeling droopy. Maybe he could just rest his eyes, just for a moment. He jolted awake when his door slammed open. In walked a familiar golden-haired subordinate of his with his brother.

"Hey, kids," he said lazily, "How was school?" He smirked slightly when Ed sent him a hostile glare. Al looked apologetic and a bit flushed. He sure hoped the younger boy wasn't running a fever. If he was, then as their 'adoptive father', he'd have to incinerate a certain school for making their uniforms too damn hot. Al quickly spread himself out on the couch, basking in the coolness of the leather exterior. Ed plopped down on the other couch, a sort of wistful look on his face as he stared at his brother. He decided to break the tension,

"So, pipsqueak," he started. Ed twitched. "I hear you've been getting seduced. Shocker. I didn't expect you, of all people, to be sex appeal," he stated bluntly. He watched with amusement as both of the boy's faces went beet-red with mortification.

"Uh, actually Colonel," Al cut in shyly, "We were hoping you could tell us what to do. We're not really sure how to act around girls like that."

"Well, I can tell you what not to do," he said cheekily, "Don't listen to Havoc."

"Hey!" Havoc said indignantly.

"Yeah, we already knew that," Ed said impatiently, "We learned that a long time ago." Havoc went into a depression while Fuery tried his best to comfort him. Breda was sidetracked by the sandwich on his desk, and Hawkeye chose to ignore all of them.

"So, what's the big deal, Fullmetal? You have a bunch of girls trying to get in your pants. You're living every teenager's dream," Mustang shrugged. Ed's face was priceless.

"Well, it sure as hell isn't mine, you pervert!" Ed barked.

"Only because you're smaller than most of them. If you were actually a normal size-,"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A RUNTY LITTLE PIPSQUEAK WHO HAS TO STAND ON STILTS IN ORDER TO KISS A GIRL?"

"I never said anything about kissing a girl," Mustang said coolly, "You got someone in mind, Fullmetal?"

"Piss off," he pouted.

"So…uhh…Colonel?" Alphonse asked nervously. Mustang turned his gaze from the fiery blond to his younger brother.

"What is it, Alphonse?" he asked.

"Well…um…Brother and I aren't really interested in that kind of stuff, so do you think you could help us?" Al asked shyly. The Colonel pondered for a moment.

"Well, normally, I would just tell you to just give into your hormones, but I know that's not what you want to hear," he says honestly, "So, for right now, just ignore them as best you can, and let me handle it."

"What are you planning?" Ed asked skeptically. Mustang smirked.

"Just trust me, Fullmetal."

* * *

_A/N~ Looks like Mustang's got a plan up his sleeve. Betcha that none of you can guess what it is. ;)_

_Review, please! :D_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

* * *

_Author's Note~ Okay so there are a few things I want to say:_

_1) I am SO sorry this is late. It's been like a month since I've updated. I feel really bad now. I would make excuses about how I've been busy with school, marching band, my job, and all that crap, but there's no point. Would you believe me? _

_2) The first half of the chapter, I had slight writers block. The second half is pretty crack-y though. _

_3) This chapter mainly centers on Al. What?! You think we have to include Ed in order for things to go wrong?! _

_4) I kind of poked fun at yaoi fans in this chapter. So, if there are any yaoi fans who read this fic, I'm not trying to offend you. I have no problem with homosexuality or yaoi. _

_5) This chapter also reflects my views on Ed and Al being gay, or more importantly, being gay for each other. This relationship is also known as Elricest. Now, I don't give a damn if I offend fans of this pairing. I have a right to my opinion. _

_6) I'm so happy that people like this story so much! I never thought I was that great at writing pure humor so I'm glad y'all are entertained by it! :) Okay, enough of my ramblings. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, but I do own this particular situation and my OC's._

* * *

Al walked into his classroom, avoiding the eye contact of Molly and Emily. He had privately asked Ms. Tucker to switch lab partners.

(Begin Al's flashback)

"_Hey, Ms. Tucker. Can I speak to you?" Al said, walking into his teacher's office. _

"_Sure thing, Al!" she said dreamily. "You can always speak to me." She rubbed her hand on his knee soothingly. For some reason, this really creeped him out. She was a teacher, so of course she wouldn't violate her students, but that prickle of unease didn't go away._

"_I-I'd like to switch lab partners," he managed to stutter out. _

"_I completely agree," she said wholeheartedly. _

"_You…do?" he asked, surprised. He didn't think she'd agree so easily. _

"_Of course! You're way too much of a distraction for those girls! Their grades are going down because of you!" she ranted. _

"_I'm…a distraction?" he whispered. _

"_Of course you are! Have you seen yourself?" she said honestly. _

"_Oh, I didn't realize," he said guiltily. "Thanks, though."_

"_Happy to help," she said seductively, "Just remember, Al. I'm here for you anytime you need me. _Anytime_," she emphasized. She winked at him, he walked out and gave her a wary smile. _

(End flashback)

If Al didn't know any better, he would say that the teacher was flirting with him. But since he did know better, he knew that would be impossible. She was just being helpful. There was no way she was seducing him.

He watched with a bit of guilt as the girls faces fell when he passed by their table. He found his new partners, two guys luckily, and quickly ducked his head and sat at the table. One of the guys, with dark brown hair and striking gray eyes gave him a funny look. The other, who had dirty blond hair and smelled like smoke, was drawing on the desk, not paying attention.

"Hi," he said in a small voice, "I'm Al." The blond glowered at him for interrupting his vandalism.

"Why are you sitting here?" he asked in a gravelly voice. "Won't Molly and Emily be sad that their 'precious Alphonse' isn't sitting with them?" he mocked bitterly.

"C'mon, Kenneth!" the brunette piped in cheerfully slapping his friend on the back. "Don't be like that," he joked, "The kid can't help that he's popular."

"What have I told you about calling me by my full name?" Kenneth snapped. Al felt a wave of nostalgia watching the two bicker. They reminded him of people he'd met before, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

"So. Al, was it?" The pale-eyed boy asked, more friendly than his friend. Al nodded absently.

"Nice to finally get a chance to officially meet you. No one's been able to pry you from the Bitch Queen's grasp," he snickered.

"Are they like this with everyone?" Al asked in a hushed tone.

"Only the new guys," he said, rolling his eyes, "I had to go through the same thing last year. I'm Daniel, by the way. But you can call me Danny. And this sourpuss over here is Kenny." Kenny glared harshly at his friend's word choice.

"So, how did you get rid of them?" Al whispered. Danny smirked.

"My sister told them I was homosexual," he shrugged.

"What?" Al squeaked, "But…why would she say something like that?"

"To screw with them."

"And they believed her?"

"Fuck yeah!" he said bluntly, "They're total morons." He snorted, "Now they're convinced that me and Kenny are closet lovers." Kenny scowled fiercely.

"Yes, because it's just hilarious getting strange looks from everywhere," Kenny said sarcasticly. "Because of you, I haven't been able to get a date in months!"

"Aww, relax. The only dates you're gonna get with those girls are ones that involve your dick," he said matter-of-factly. Al nearly choked, and managed to somehow duck Kenny's flying fist. He had never met somebody so…vulgar. Even Lieutenant Havoc had _some _discretion.

"So, Al," Danny started again, sporting a lump on his head, "Did Molly invite you to one of her 'parties'?"

"Yeah," he said uneasily, "Why?" Danny grinned suggestively.

"Did you go?"

"No, I didn't. I felt…uncomfortable," he stated, a blush creeping on his face.

"I guess you figured out what they actually do there, huh?" he asked, slightly sympathetic.

"No, they wouldn't tell me," he said quietly.

"I'm not surprised," Danny grunted, "You're a nice guy. Probably figured you wouldn't come if you knew their motive."

"What was their motive?" he asked hesitantly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. Before Danny could reply, Kenny slapped a hand over the brown-haired boy's mouth.

"Allow me," he grumbled, "I don't want you scarring him with your crass nonsense."

"What was he going to say?" Al asked fearfully.

"Nothing," Kenny dismissed, giving his friend a warning stare, "Don't worry about it."

"So what do they do at their party?" Al changed the subject.

"Well," Kenny began awkwardly, "Because most of the guys are new, the girls like to…claim them…so no one else can."

"Claim them?" Al asked quizzically.

"Yeah, like…" Kenny made his right hand into a circle, and put his left index through…back and forth. Al gave him a blank look. Kenny groaned with exasperation. Danny finally yelled,

"For God's sake, they were trying to have sex with you!" The entire class went into a hushed silence, and Al felt the heat crawl all the way down to his neck.

Al may have been dense when it came to relationships and girls, but he knew what sex meant, and if his flushed face was any indication, he was completely mortified by it.

"Why?" he squeaked out.

"Because you're male," he answered simply.

"Mr. Tunsin, go to the office!" Ms. Peters said coldly.

"What?! Me?! What for?" Danny asked in horror.

"For talking about inappropiate topics," she responded haughtily.

"Inappropiate," he scoffed, "I'll bet you there's not a single virgin in here…'cept for the new guy." Al sunk down in his seat and avoided the critical glances from his classmates. He was the only one? But…they were only fifteen! Was this really what our world had come to? Was this really what high school was all about? No wonder his brother hates it.

* * *

Al was walking the halls, glad to be out of science class. Huh. Who'd have ever thought that he wouldn't want to be in a class that taught _science_? What has school done to him? He vaguely wondered how his brother was doing but then he heard a voice that was too familiar for his liking.

"Hey, Al!" Danny called.

"Danny? I thought you were in trouble!" he said, lip trembling from nerves. Danny let a catlike grin grow on his face.

"I was," he said airily, "but the headmaster loves me so she let me off with a warning."

"Oh," he said somberly.

"So, can I walk with you?" Danny asked. Al nodded silently, a sense of doom raining on his head.

"Hey, Al!" Ed came panting up to him.

"Brother, what is it? I have to go to my next class," he sighed.

"Make sure you save a seat for me at lunch," Ed demanded.

"Fine, I will," he said crossly, "Now I have to go Amestrian Literature."

"Al!" Danny gasped dramatically, "How could you?"

"How could I what?" Al asked quizzically, Ed next to him cocking his eyebrows in interest. Danny sniffled.

"You're…" sniffle, "cheating on me?"

"What?!" Both Ed and Al screech.

"Al!" Ed yelled at him, "Why didn't you tell me, dammit?"

"Tell you what?" he squeaked.

"You know what!" Ed shouted accusingly, "I leave you for an hour and you get yourself…a…b-bo…b-boy…BOYFRIEND?!"

"Are you seriously that stupid, Brother?!" he hollered, voice cracking horribly, "Don't you think if I was gay, I would tell you?! How could you even think that, anyway?"

"Well, how the hell should I know? You've never had a girlfriend!" he cried.

"Neither have you!" Al argued. Ed's face went red and he looked at the ground, muttering to himself. They both went awkwardly silent.

"Wow," Danny interrupted, "So much tension. Y'know, if you need me to, I can put both of you in a closet and give you some alone time."

"What are you saying?!" Ed snapped.

"Nothing!" he said defensively, then he grinned maliciously, "Oh, I get it now. Geez, guys, if you wanted me to be there during your moment, all you had to do was ask. I don't mind a nice three-some now and then."

"Huh?" they both jawdrop. Al watched as Danny slid over to Ed and grabbed his chin.

"Hmm," Danny scrutinized Al's older brother. "Al's pretty good-looking, but you're not half-bad yourself," he confimed. "I will say that your eyes kind of freak me out though," he added bluntly. Ed gave him a blank look.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he deadpanned. Danny put a hand over both of our mouths.

"Guys, just play along, okay?" he whispered urgently, "Those girls are crazy for yaoi."

"What's yaoi?" Al whispered back impatiently.

"It means they like gay relationships, especially incestuous ones."

Ed gave him a look that could kill. "Why you sick son of a-,"

"So, you're coming at 7 tonight, huh? That's great!" he yelled fakely, "Yeah, I could totally invite Kenny along!" Al saw a few girls swoon at Danny's words. What exactly made these kinds of relationships so wonderful? Personally, they're a bit creepy. Specifically the incestuous part. Being intimate with his older brother? He shuddered. That was wrong on so many levels!

He jumped up three feet when he felt a warm breeze go down his neck. Oh no, a serial killer! He turned warily, about to karate chop the snot out of his attacker, but almost relaxed when he saw Molly and Emily smiling at him like he was a particularly tasty dish. No, this was worse than a serial killer.

"Alphonse," Molly said dreamily, "I think your forbidden love for your brother is totally sexy."

"Are you going to have a 'private moment'?" Emily asked. Whoa, she spoke! Luckily, Danny didn't hear that question, but unfortunately, Ed did.

"You guys are all sick!" he yelled in horror, "Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?! Would you do that with your _own_ brother?" Molly smirked.

"Maybe," she shrugged, "if I was a guy. But personally, I'd rather do _your _brother than _mine_." Al watched as his brother face turned red, molten golden eyes smoldering with fury.

"You bitch! I'll kill you!" he screamed. Al saw Danny grab Ed's arm and pull him into his chest.

"Fuck off, Molly!" Danny barked, still holding Ed in a protective embrace. Ed punched him in the gut but the dark-haired boy didn't seem to mind. "They're both mine tonight! You have to wait your turn," he said, throwing an arm over Al's shoulders. All of a sudden, he smiles sweetly. "Although, if you wish, I can sign you up for Friday."

The next few seconds were all a blur to Al. One second, Danny was whispering suggestive themes in his ear; the next, Danny was lying unconscious in a pool of blood while his brother, the definition of rage, was standing over him menacingly, his veins popping out of his head.

"Brother," Al groaned, "Did you really have to kill him?"

"Well, I couldn't just let him live, could I?" Ed asked darkly.

"Alright!" Molly cheered, "I get the brothers early! Right, Phonsie?"

"Uh…actually, I'd rather if you didn't!" Al said frantically.

"Hey, Al, I got another suggestion," Ed whispered in his ear.

"What is it, Brother?"he whispered back desperately.

"Run," he rasped, "Run like hell!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Just go!"

"But, Brother, what about you!"

"Dammit, Al! Go!" he screamed, "I'll hold them off!" He shoved Al in the other direction. Al took off, his weakened legs gaining surprising speed. He was running for about two minutes, when Ed, who was much faster than he was, appeared by his side. Luckily for them, all of that running across the country came in handy. They were outrunning the girls by miles. Al spotted the door to the library. Of course, the library! These girls would never go in there! He threw open the doors in a frenzy, yanked his brother's arm, slid through the doorway, and slammed the door in record time.

As him and his brother sat huffing and gasping for breath while leaning against the door, he couldn't help but wonder: would they even survive until the end of the month? What is Mustang planning to do about this?

* * *

_A/N~ Wow. I just realized something. I didn't include Julie. I figured if Al is the main character, she was unnecessary. So, about Danny. It's kind of sad. Even though I'm the one who created him, I'm not sure what to make of him. Is he a brilliant genius or is he just a complete dumb-ass?_

_And before you start asking questions about his sexuality, I honestly don't know. I'll let you decide. But, if you're gonna accuse him of either being homosexual or not, at least provide some proof from the chapter to back up your theory. _

_That is all. _

_Review, please! :D_


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